Wow, so this past weekend was amazing. I had the amazing opportunity to do an intensive with Rachel Brice an Ariellah. The whole weekend was pretty amazing! I especially like hanging with Miss Kira Mau!!!
So The whole weekend started on Friday morning with stopping at the Tuckers' for Breakie and coffee...mmmm. The the drive to Sheep Ranch Road to the Q (Querncia). We checked in and got some amaaaaazing chocolates from Brandy! Since check in was an hour before class Kira and I wandered the grounds. Class with Rachel started and we worked really hard. It was a good thing though, get my ass back into shape!! We drilled comboed and danced some more. Lunch was great, provided by the lovely Q'ers. On to Ariellah's class where we drilled, drilled again, and drilled some more. She really worked us hard, but i loved every minute of it!
Every day followed this pattern, but it was a great weekend. I learned some much from both teachers!!! Both teachers have different styles , which is good because we can switch it up learn and new things.
The show was sooo great. Zoe showed up and I just about keeled over! She is so crazy! but i like that.... Everyone did a great job!!! yay!! Especially Thalisha!!! OMG!!! She was was sex on stage!
When Sunday rolled around I was really sad because I really enjoyed dancing with everyone there and being taught by some of greatest belly dance teachers I've had so far! Along with Brandi and the Taleesh. I was neat getting to sit by Rachel at lunch Saturday and Sunday and just chat. She and Ariellah are so down to earth and sweet...and silly....woo! I did have one dork out, star struck moment. Zoe stopped by Ariellah's Saturday class to say hi... yeah...I freaked a little...I'll admit it. I did clam down and chatted with her on Sunday...bitch about economics..ya know the norm :)
I am fortunate enough to have done this and take away a lot that will further my dancing. I noticed last night when I practiced my solo, things felt easier. Even Patrick said that my timing was better and I looked stronger...yay.
All my love,
Melissa
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Upper date
Wow....so it's been way over a month since the last update. Mmkay what's new?
Well, Dave and I have reached our standing point. We are best friends that mean very much to each other. He is still someone i can go to when I need some help, advice, or just someone to vent to. This will be good for the both of us.
In other romantic news, Mr. Patrick and I are officially together. By no means of any person than the two of us. WOOOOOOT! it's kinda soon after the break-up, but if i didn't feel ready i would not have jumped in head first. That is not to say that I didn't test the water first. oh, there was testing...check the pH balance and everything. i feel pretty damn happy. He treats me right, and genuinely cares about how I feel. It's really gooood.
So, one day as i was laying on my yoga mat before class I got a brilliant costume idear. oh yes, this is no frivolous idea that has a shot in the dark to be done. I got the full costume idea and i am running with fabric shears in hand!!! There will be further updates on progress and completion for this baby. Fantastic.
New solo is in the works....yay for Amon Tobin!!! For those of you who haven't seen 21 yet and appreciate Amon Tobin...shame on you. He makes a musical appearance....yay! Anyway new solo for zee new costume!!!!!!
Otherwise no much new....school's boring, family is ok, and dance is progressing rapidly...meeeoow.
All my love,
Melissa
Well, Dave and I have reached our standing point. We are best friends that mean very much to each other. He is still someone i can go to when I need some help, advice, or just someone to vent to. This will be good for the both of us.
In other romantic news, Mr. Patrick and I are officially together. By no means of any person than the two of us. WOOOOOOT! it's kinda soon after the break-up, but if i didn't feel ready i would not have jumped in head first. That is not to say that I didn't test the water first. oh, there was testing...check the pH balance and everything. i feel pretty damn happy. He treats me right, and genuinely cares about how I feel. It's really gooood.
So, one day as i was laying on my yoga mat before class I got a brilliant costume idear. oh yes, this is no frivolous idea that has a shot in the dark to be done. I got the full costume idea and i am running with fabric shears in hand!!! There will be further updates on progress and completion for this baby. Fantastic.
New solo is in the works....yay for Amon Tobin!!! For those of you who haven't seen 21 yet and appreciate Amon Tobin...shame on you. He makes a musical appearance....yay! Anyway new solo for zee new costume!!!!!!
Otherwise no much new....school's boring, family is ok, and dance is progressing rapidly...meeeoow.
All my love,
Melissa
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Honesty
Why is it me, that gets blamed for things beyond my control.
I cannot help that I am nice.
I cannot help that my personality shines so much you are blinded and others can see.
I cannot help that you have not openned.
You blame me, but really you cannot see.
If you read this, you know who you are, ask those people why they do what they do. it may surprise you. Do not blame me. Please. I cannot handle the guilt. When you say things to people, just be honest. You and I know the truth.
I cannot help that I am nice.
I cannot help that my personality shines so much you are blinded and others can see.
I cannot help that you have not openned.
You blame me, but really you cannot see.
If you read this, you know who you are, ask those people why they do what they do. it may surprise you. Do not blame me. Please. I cannot handle the guilt. When you say things to people, just be honest. You and I know the truth.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Afraid
I don't know what to feel anymore. I want to feel numb to most things said, because it seems better than feeling the pain of rejection. I shouldn't worry about rejection because I just came out of a relationship...but that doesn't seem to matter. I go without word...without acknowledgement..without any decency of being at least a friend. I shouldn't worry about what he or they think. But I do...because the feeling was never lost it was just forgotten and it re-emerged after some time.
It's not just him but it's them. i feel rejected by those most close to me...like no matter what I do...it's never good enough.
It's not just him but it's them. i feel rejected by those most close to me...like no matter what I do...it's never good enough.
Friday, February 1, 2008
An every day Struggle.
For my speech class last semester I had to deliver a speech about a social issue. For a week, I went back and forth between subjects to speak about. I thought I should do something silly because I knew many people would be speaking about something serious. After I realized that I could not find sufficient research or resources for this speech topic, I then decided to write about something serious, something I had experience with and overall knowledge about. I thought and thought, and then the idea came to me. Speak about something that is quite touchy, but it is something I know a lot about.
Teen Suicide. The leading factor of teenage suicide is depression. Something I know about first hand. Many people knew I felt sad and lonely when I first moved to Elk Grove, but what many people do not know is that I was not ONLY sad and lonely. I was all out depressed. Every day in August and September seemed to get worse, and I would fall farther and farther each day. Moving to a new place seems cold and unwanting. My family never seemed to care that I spent night crying and feeling a pain worse than anything. In the beginning of the Semester, I did not know anyone and spent much of the time between classes alone. I was quiet in class because I felt as if everyone was judging me. With no one to talk to at home and no one to talk to at school, I felt isolated. The feeling of being alone in a crowded room was magnified ten fold. My only outlet was my boyfriend at the time and my best friend, but they could only help so much. My boyfriend at the time worked full time and odd hours at that. Therefore, when we talked on the phone time was precious. I tried to not talk about how badly I felt because I did not him to feel badly for me. I did how ever have a few breakdowns. I could not help it. My best friend talked to me as much as she could, but with school, homework, and her crazy work schedule, it was hard, and again time was precious.
Further into September and October I was miserable, the occasional trip home to Sonora was not enough to pull me out of the "funk" I was in. Somehow, I think it made me fall deeper. I started questioning, "Why live?" If I am so miserable, why continue to go nowhere? At that point, I knew something was wrong. I could not figure out what it was that made me cry for hours on end. I realized I started detaching myself from family and some friends. It took awhile to figure out what it was that was bothering me. I suffered from depression. During the depression, before the realization, I contemplated suicide. Me, bright, cheery, me considered that life was not worth living. I am glad that I caught the signs before it was too late. The only person I ever told was my boyfriend at the time. He could tell something was wrong, and he helped best he could. I thought he of all people deserved to know.
After I realized I was depressed, I decided that no matter what it took I was going to move back home to Sonora. The fact that I even considered death, scared me and I knew that I needed to pull myself out, and having hope of a better life made the pain less severe. I never told anyone else about my suicidal thoughts because I was afraid they would change their perspective about me. These past months, I have come to realize life is too precious to waste. The slight glimmer of hope helped me to be the person I once was. However, she may not know it, my friend Jilda Lamb was a major influence. She suffered Anorexia nervosa and it made through. I reread her essays about her illness and it somehow it helped me through my depression. After I gave my speech about teen suicide, I thought about Jilda and how she said that writing about her illness helped her make it through to recovery. I decided to write down my story, or rather a summary of it as an ode to her. Or maybe I am writing it so maybe that day when someone I know or maybe not know, suffer depression or suicidal thoughts that possibly this can help them. I still struggle every day with depression, but writing my story helps everyday.
All my love,Melissa
Teen Suicide. The leading factor of teenage suicide is depression. Something I know about first hand. Many people knew I felt sad and lonely when I first moved to Elk Grove, but what many people do not know is that I was not ONLY sad and lonely. I was all out depressed. Every day in August and September seemed to get worse, and I would fall farther and farther each day. Moving to a new place seems cold and unwanting. My family never seemed to care that I spent night crying and feeling a pain worse than anything. In the beginning of the Semester, I did not know anyone and spent much of the time between classes alone. I was quiet in class because I felt as if everyone was judging me. With no one to talk to at home and no one to talk to at school, I felt isolated. The feeling of being alone in a crowded room was magnified ten fold. My only outlet was my boyfriend at the time and my best friend, but they could only help so much. My boyfriend at the time worked full time and odd hours at that. Therefore, when we talked on the phone time was precious. I tried to not talk about how badly I felt because I did not him to feel badly for me. I did how ever have a few breakdowns. I could not help it. My best friend talked to me as much as she could, but with school, homework, and her crazy work schedule, it was hard, and again time was precious.
Further into September and October I was miserable, the occasional trip home to Sonora was not enough to pull me out of the "funk" I was in. Somehow, I think it made me fall deeper. I started questioning, "Why live?" If I am so miserable, why continue to go nowhere? At that point, I knew something was wrong. I could not figure out what it was that made me cry for hours on end. I realized I started detaching myself from family and some friends. It took awhile to figure out what it was that was bothering me. I suffered from depression. During the depression, before the realization, I contemplated suicide. Me, bright, cheery, me considered that life was not worth living. I am glad that I caught the signs before it was too late. The only person I ever told was my boyfriend at the time. He could tell something was wrong, and he helped best he could. I thought he of all people deserved to know.
After I realized I was depressed, I decided that no matter what it took I was going to move back home to Sonora. The fact that I even considered death, scared me and I knew that I needed to pull myself out, and having hope of a better life made the pain less severe. I never told anyone else about my suicidal thoughts because I was afraid they would change their perspective about me. These past months, I have come to realize life is too precious to waste. The slight glimmer of hope helped me to be the person I once was. However, she may not know it, my friend Jilda Lamb was a major influence. She suffered Anorexia nervosa and it made through. I reread her essays about her illness and it somehow it helped me through my depression. After I gave my speech about teen suicide, I thought about Jilda and how she said that writing about her illness helped her make it through to recovery. I decided to write down my story, or rather a summary of it as an ode to her. Or maybe I am writing it so maybe that day when someone I know or maybe not know, suffer depression or suicidal thoughts that possibly this can help them. I still struggle every day with depression, but writing my story helps everyday.
All my love,Melissa
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
People suprise me.
It's true they do....all the time.
So today as I am waiting for my statistics class to begin I was waiting outside the classroom in the cold. A guy in my class walked up to me and we started talking about the project we were to turn in...then out of nowhere he asked if I was wearing my flower in my hair today. He couldn't tell because as it was freeeeeezing cold and my hoods were up. I was stunned. Someone who saw me only a few times a week for a few weeks noticed that I have a pattern, and noticed a change in that pattern. A few may say that it seems like he may have a romantic interest, but I don't think so. It would not matter anyway because I wouldn't act on it.
The fact is that people who only know you by face from class can notice the tiniest things, yet the people who spend time and precious moments with you never notice. I have noticed that if you are around the same person subtle changes in behavior or habit go unnoticed. A different hairstyle, new clothes, just something small....goes unnoticed by those we care for most. It hurts to make these small changes and have no effect on those we care for. I know it is for me at least. There are reasons for small things...they shouldn't go unnoticed. There is a reason why I wear my hair down today, instead of putting it up. Or there is a reason why I did my make-up, or shaved my legs, or wore the shirt you like, maybe if to just get a little attention.
Humans need some form of attention, they can live without compliments. Many say they do not care what people think of them, and to a certain degree that can be true. Though why do we buy new clothes when the old ones will do just fine? Why do we extend ourselves if it is beyond our means. We do them because deep down we all want to be accepted. Whether it be from family or a new group of friends, everyone wants to feel like they belong. With seeking for this acceptance especially from new friends or old, we cannot forget those who have been there. The people who have already accepted you. We cannot forget the people you can rely on. We tend to push away the people who care for us. We feel that if they accept us already why keep trying...but that is just it. You have to keep trying because if you are not there for those people who have been good to us, they will no longer be there for you. Human nature compels us to want acceptance from the people we care about, but if they do not care....should we care for them anymore. I have been dealing with these inner thoughts fro sometime, for one reason or another.
Please if anyone reads this let me know you thoughts on this.
So today as I am waiting for my statistics class to begin I was waiting outside the classroom in the cold. A guy in my class walked up to me and we started talking about the project we were to turn in...then out of nowhere he asked if I was wearing my flower in my hair today. He couldn't tell because as it was freeeeeezing cold and my hoods were up. I was stunned. Someone who saw me only a few times a week for a few weeks noticed that I have a pattern, and noticed a change in that pattern. A few may say that it seems like he may have a romantic interest, but I don't think so. It would not matter anyway because I wouldn't act on it.
The fact is that people who only know you by face from class can notice the tiniest things, yet the people who spend time and precious moments with you never notice. I have noticed that if you are around the same person subtle changes in behavior or habit go unnoticed. A different hairstyle, new clothes, just something small....goes unnoticed by those we care for most. It hurts to make these small changes and have no effect on those we care for. I know it is for me at least. There are reasons for small things...they shouldn't go unnoticed. There is a reason why I wear my hair down today, instead of putting it up. Or there is a reason why I did my make-up, or shaved my legs, or wore the shirt you like, maybe if to just get a little attention.
Humans need some form of attention, they can live without compliments. Many say they do not care what people think of them, and to a certain degree that can be true. Though why do we buy new clothes when the old ones will do just fine? Why do we extend ourselves if it is beyond our means. We do them because deep down we all want to be accepted. Whether it be from family or a new group of friends, everyone wants to feel like they belong. With seeking for this acceptance especially from new friends or old, we cannot forget those who have been there. The people who have already accepted you. We cannot forget the people you can rely on. We tend to push away the people who care for us. We feel that if they accept us already why keep trying...but that is just it. You have to keep trying because if you are not there for those people who have been good to us, they will no longer be there for you. Human nature compels us to want acceptance from the people we care about, but if they do not care....should we care for them anymore. I have been dealing with these inner thoughts fro sometime, for one reason or another.
Please if anyone reads this let me know you thoughts on this.
Monday, January 14, 2008
So high school....
Wow...it amazes me how little people change from high school. As I was out side eating my lunch today some girl I knew from elementary school said I look like a twelve year old. I am guessing it's due to the fact that I have my hair in braided pigtails....ooo...big deal. She had to only be about 100 ft from me....but I could here due to the fact that she yelled it. So what if I wear pigtails? it is easy to do in the morning. It really sickens me how people still have to judge fashion and whatever after high school. I have known this gril for awhile and she has always been quite judgmental. You would think that after high school petty things like that would drift away as we mature. I believe that it doesn't matter how old someone is....their mannerisms won't change and sometimes their maturity won't either.
in other news....
I actually made it through a meal without gagging! yippee!!! I have been a wreck since the break up, but I am getting better. I am taking it better than I thought I would. Granted that means I haven't been crying my self to sleep...maybe because I don't sleep. I still have the hope that the both of us can better ourselves and make it work. I have been less outwardly emotional..which for me is quite amazing. That is what we decided I need to work on...I say we because He brought it up...and I realize that I needed to change...not for him. For me.
My greatest fear right now, is that he will change so much that I don't factor in anymore. I would like to try things again, because in my heart I feel like there is a glimmer of hope...and I feel that things between us aren't over yet. I hope that he realizes that I am getting better and we can work it all out. I would hate to see things end. I realized that I don't want anyone else. In other break-ups, I could imagine myself with someone else. I can't know. I can't see myself going n a date with anyone else, I can't see kissing anyone else. There is no one else. That may seem naive, but with everything that I want in life, I can't see it with anyone else but him.
I don't even know how he is feeling about everything right now. I want to ask him, I want to know. Though I think it's too early to ask him. He stopped by last night to pick something up, and we had a light chat. I told him that I still love him, because I do. But he wouldn't let me kiss him. I was a little hurt, but I understand. The only thing I am wondering is why he stopped by at 11 at night, when I could have just given him the glass on Friday? He did say he was going to get food, and could stop by....maybe that is all it was. Secretly I wish it was because he wanted to see me. Though I may never know. I hope we can get the chance to talk on Friday about stuff because I would like to know whether I should keeping on hoping. Considering we'll be busy Friday, due to the Blue Man Group concert, it may not happen until later. I am really just trying to be a better person for myself in this time.
I just hope he knows that i would never do anything that would jeopardize anything we could have. Drinking the other night might have done that..but I hope he forgives me.
in other news....
I actually made it through a meal without gagging! yippee!!! I have been a wreck since the break up, but I am getting better. I am taking it better than I thought I would. Granted that means I haven't been crying my self to sleep...maybe because I don't sleep. I still have the hope that the both of us can better ourselves and make it work. I have been less outwardly emotional..which for me is quite amazing. That is what we decided I need to work on...I say we because He brought it up...and I realize that I needed to change...not for him. For me.
My greatest fear right now, is that he will change so much that I don't factor in anymore. I would like to try things again, because in my heart I feel like there is a glimmer of hope...and I feel that things between us aren't over yet. I hope that he realizes that I am getting better and we can work it all out. I would hate to see things end. I realized that I don't want anyone else. In other break-ups, I could imagine myself with someone else. I can't know. I can't see myself going n a date with anyone else, I can't see kissing anyone else. There is no one else. That may seem naive, but with everything that I want in life, I can't see it with anyone else but him.
I don't even know how he is feeling about everything right now. I want to ask him, I want to know. Though I think it's too early to ask him. He stopped by last night to pick something up, and we had a light chat. I told him that I still love him, because I do. But he wouldn't let me kiss him. I was a little hurt, but I understand. The only thing I am wondering is why he stopped by at 11 at night, when I could have just given him the glass on Friday? He did say he was going to get food, and could stop by....maybe that is all it was. Secretly I wish it was because he wanted to see me. Though I may never know. I hope we can get the chance to talk on Friday about stuff because I would like to know whether I should keeping on hoping. Considering we'll be busy Friday, due to the Blue Man Group concert, it may not happen until later. I am really just trying to be a better person for myself in this time.
I just hope he knows that i would never do anything that would jeopardize anything we could have. Drinking the other night might have done that..but I hope he forgives me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
